Last updated: December 30. 2013 12:38PM - 2121 Views
By - gabernathy@civitasmedia.com

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Ah, the new year is upon us. The time for fresh starts and optimistic resolutions. Out with the old, in with the new.

I have only made one New Year’s resolution in my life, and I have always kept it, which was never to make any New Year’s resolutions.

But to compensate, I do not hesitate making New Year’s predictions, so here are some things we might see happen in 2014…


A reality show about Hillsboro will be produced here, and the breakout star of the series will be local pontificator Jim Moore, with the new show called, “Moore the Merrier.” Jim’s unique world view and cantankerous demeanor will catapult him to worldwide fame, complete with his own merchandising line of black t-shirts, sunglasses and cowboy hats. He will use part of his new wealth to start his own local newspaper so he can say any darned thing he wants, especially about the Humane Society.


A local citizens’ group will successfully circulate enough petitions and reverse enough election results and council resolutions that by the end of the year, Hillsboro residents will think it’s 2010 again. The city auditor will warn that Hillsboro is once more on track for several years of deficit spending, but he finally gives up when someone asks, “If we have money, how can we be deficit spending?”


The Ohio legislature will reverse all previously enacted criminal sentencing guidelines, further streamlining Judge Rocky Coss’ docket, since all convictions in Highland County will from now on result in life sentences without parole.


The Hillsboro Police Department will accomplish a major leap in technology when it begins using email to transmit press releases, replacing its 30-year practice of faxing such announcements. The department will admit that the switch became unavoidable when fax machine repairmen could no longer be located.


A proposed new non-profit agency in Hillsboro will fail to get off the ground due to an insufficient number of volunteers. An agency spokesman will say, “We knew we were in trouble when even Bob Lambert said he was too busy to join.”


The historic Mother Thompson house, which most residents only became aware existed last year, will open to the public as a neighborhood pub. “Ironic, ain’t it?” the manager will observe.


Greenfield will initiate another annual community celebration, this one called, “Greenfield’s Even Greener Celebration of Green.” One organizer will ask, “Is that too subtle?”


The election for the open Highland County Commission seat will be delayed indefinitely when no one from Lynchburg files to run.


Mayor Drew Hastings will finish renovating his new apartment in uptown Hillsboro, but during an open house for invited guests, people will become suspicious about whether he really lives there when he is unable to tell them where the bathroom is.


Anneka Collins will win the Ohio Prosecutor of the Year Award when she convinces a grand jury to return an indictment against a ham sandwich. In a statement, she will humbly accept the honor, promising, “It’s not just ham sandwiches that are a problem. Bologna, turkey, salami – we’re targeting all of them.” One sandwich was heard to complain that including roast beef with other delicatessen foods was outrageous, and represented “the coldest cut of all.”


Finally, the Paint Creek Joint EMS/Fire District will announce that the department has entered into agreements to cover all of southern Ohio, from the Indiana border to the west, over to the West Virginia border to the east. During the transition, homeowners are asked to call at least an hour in advance of a fire.

Happy New Year.

Gary Abernathy can be contacted at gabernathy@civitasmedia.com.

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