The Oscars, for conservatives


“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first-ever Conservative Academy Awards, brought to you from the party room of Al’s Steakhouse at the corner of Barry Goldwater Boulevard and Ronald Reagan Avenue in Santa Ana, California! There are more than 40 people, counting servers, packed into the room for tonight’s presentation, which is being carried live and in living color by RFD-TV. Now, please welcome your host for this evening, Kelsey Grammer!”

“Thank you. Thank you everyone. This is certainly an exciting evening. Tonight, we’re holding this ceremony so conservatives can have an awards show they can watch and enjoy. So let’s get on with it. It’s my honor to introduce the legendary Clint Eastwood!”

“Thank you, Kelsey. Tonight we honor the best in film. Unfortunately, there have been few films made in the last 30 years that appeal to conservatives, except for my movies, which is why I keep making them long after I wanted to retire. So any film made since 1930 is eligible for tonight’s awards, and if you punks don’t like it, you can make my day and leave. And now, please welcome a karate star who has somehow made a living as an actor, Chuck Norris.”

“Thank you, Clint. Thank you everyone. Tonight’s nominees for Best Picture are as follows: ‘Casablanca,’ ‘Gone With The Wind,’ ‘The Ten Commandments,’ ‘It’s A Wonderful Life,’ ‘The Sons of Katie Elder,’ and a very recent film that I know we all love, ‘Gran Torino.’ We’ll announce the winner a little later in the program, but right now we have a special treat. Joining us via Skype from the White House, please welcome President Donald Trump!”

“Thank you, Chuck. Thank you everyone. It’s a pleasure to join you this evening from the White House. I’ve been watching the show on TV, and the crowd looks HUGE, from the camera angles I’ve seen. Much, much bigger than the crowd they get at the regular Oscars, take my word for it. And I know your ratings are going to be tremendous. Probably the biggest ever. I’ve made a lot of cameos in a lot of movies over the years, and people tell me that I do very, very well. That’s what people tell me. So I just wanted to say hello, and I hope everyone enjoys this special night. Back to you, Chuck. Goodnight everyone!”

“Thank you, Mr. President. What an honor. Back to you, Kelsey!”

“Thanks, Chuck. Our next award is a special humanitarian honor. As everyone knows, the late Elvis Presley once famously answered a question about the Vietnam War by replying, ‘I’d just sooner keep my own personal views about that to myself, ‘cause I’m just an entertainer and I’d rather not say.’ Tonight, in that spirit, we honor the actor or actress who best exemplifies the understanding that actors are popular because of their movies, not because of their political opinions. To present the Elvis A. Presley ‘Who Asked You, Anyway?’ Award, please welcome Ben Stein!”

“Thank you, Kelsey. Tonight, we honor Mark Wahlberg. Last year, Mark said in a magazine interview, ‘A lot of celebrities did, do, and shouldn’t talk politics… They’re pretty out of touch with the common person, the everyday guy out there providing for their family.’ For Mark’s prescient understanding that no one cares about the political opinions of celebrities, I’m pleased to present the first-ever Elvis A. Presley ‘Who Asked You, Anyway?’ Award to Mark Wahlberg!””

“Thank you, Ben, thank you. What a nice honor.”

“Mark, just how meaningful is this award to you?”

“Honestly, I’d rather just keep that to myself, Ben.”

“Excellent. Thank you, Mark. And now, please welcome a fine actor who has starred in countless above-average movies, James Woods!”

“Thank you, Ben. Believe it or not, in this digital age reviews are already coming in for tonight’s show. The New York Times headline says, ‘Trump lies about size of audience at Conservative Academy Awards.’ The Washington Post reports, “Has-been actors show why they’re has-been actors.” CNN says, ‘Conservative Academy Awards has racist undertones.’ And the Drudge Report says, ‘Giant crocodiles crash Conservative Academy Awards venue.’ So, tremendous publicity already. Back to you, Kelsey Grammer!”

“Thank you, James. Now, for the reason we’re here, to celebrate film. It’s time to find out which film will be named Best Picture of the first-ever Conservative Academy Awards. May I have the envelope please? Thank you. And the Best Picture is – ‘The Ten Commandments!’ That’s wonderful. What a great movie. Unfortunately, everyone associated with ‘The Ten Commandments’ is dead. But we have a special treat thanks to the magic of vintage film clips. Please direct your attention to the giant video screen, and welcome the star of ‘The Ten Commandments,’ Charton Heston!”

“Thank you. I’ll never forget when I was filming ‘Ben-Hur.’ The director wanted to go ahead and shoot the big chariot race, but I told him I didn’t think I had practiced enough yet. He looked at me and said, ‘Don’t worry, Charlton, you stay in the chariot, we’ll make sure you win the race.’ Hahahahaha.”

“Thank you, Charlton. Well, that wraps up our program. Thanks for joining us, and we’ll see you next year when we introduce the inaugural John Wayne ‘America, Love It Or Leave It’ Scholarship, which will fund one-way tickets out of the United States for all the liberals who promised they would leave, but didn’t. Goodnight everyone!”

“This has been a presentation of the first-ever Conservative Academy Awards on RFD-TV. Stay tuned for ‘Hee Haw,’ followed by ‘Classic Tractor Fever.’”

Reach Gary Abernathy at 937-393-3456 or on Twitter @abernathygary.

By Gary Abernathy

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