Kids names and kids naming things


Editor’s Note — This first part of this column is the second part of a two-part column. The second part of the column is completely separate, but kind of related.

I think I’ve made my feelings clear regarding the new baby-naming trend, and those feelings are that I hate it. To wit… How about the names celebrities have given their poor kids? Check these out:

Kal-El. Yes kids, Nicholas Cage named his son after Superman.

Moxie Crimefighter. This is the name given to Penn Jillette’s daughter. Penn Jillette is a magician, and by the time Moxie is 12 years old I’m guessing she’ll want daddy to disappear. You know, for cursing her with that ridiculous name.

Pilot Inspektor is actor Jason Lee’s kid, whoever that is. Here’s a hint for ya, Jason. If you type a name and spellcheck puts that squiggly line under it, it’s probably a stupid name. I actually looked this up, and Inspektor is Swedish for inspector. That tells me nothing other than that Jason Lee is an idiot.

Blue Ivy. Yep, Jay-Z and Beyoncé named their kid Blue Ivy. Sounds like a trendy restaurant those Hollywood types would go to. I can hear it now. “Hey, I hear the Gluten-Free Panna Cotta at the Blue Ivy is fabulous.”

Rainbow. Actually, probably not a bad choice for that Playboy chick Holly Madison’s baby, since Holly’s fame is sure to be rainbow-like. And by rainbow-like I mean short-lived and shaped like an arc.

Bob Geldolf, lead singer of the Boomtown Rats and Live Aid organizer? He named his kid Fifi Trixibelle. That’s right. Fifi wasn’t enough. He then followed it up with another Toy Poodle name, Trixibelle.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni named their kid … Kyd. Good Lord. Kyd? Why not Baybee? Chylde? Yungin? Anklebyter? Infynt? Whyppyrsnappyr? OK, I’m just rambling now. Sorry.

Bono, lead singer of U2, has named his son Memphis Eve. Yep, his boy is named for the night before Memphis. I don’t get it either.

Actor Rob Morrow named his kid Tu. Get it? Tu Morrow? What’s next, someone with the last name of Day calling their kid Yester?

On a related note, sorry Smyrna.

In closing, I found this online recently and I dare you to try and pronounce Zerachiel. See? You can’t. Case closed.

Why we should

let kids name stuff

The worldwide interweb can take you to some weird places, ya know? Ever be searching for something and happen onto a site where you just can’t hit that back button quickly enough? Yeah, me too. Scary stuff man. I started researching something called The Dark Web one day a while back because I was going to write about it, but what I found freaked me out so much I decided to back slowly away for a bit. Anywho, I stumbled upon a site today that was describing how sometimes kids can come up with way better ideas than adults, specifically when naming stuff. Here are my top 10, with the actual name followed by the made-up kid’s way better name.

Rhinoceros — What could possibly be better than a rhino, you ask? Why, the Battle Unicorn, of course. Yep. If unicorns went to battle, that’s who they’d send.

Mosquitoes — Mosquito is a pretty cool name, no? Not nearly as cool as Vampire House Flies though.

Dreams — This one is actually sort of poetic. One child called her dreams The Stories in My Eyes. Beautiful.

Buzzard — Oh, this one is good. What better description of a buzzard than the Halloween Eagle? Cool.

Vultures — From a completely different kid we get a new name for vultures – the Flamingo Witches. Hell yes they are.

Gloves — Now we have a little guy who couldn’t remember what gloves were supposed to be called. What he came up with was Hand Socks because, well, they are.

Wolves — I really like this one. One kid saw some wolves in a national park and promptly christened them Party Dogs. Love it.

Cemeteries — Not to get a little morbid, but kids can be pretty literal, ya know? Hence the new name for cemeteries — Die Yards.

Harmonica — Once again, this is a way cooler name than harmonica — the Cowboy Trumpet. Kids, man.

Cooking Pot — Our next entry once again makes perfect sense. Why confuse things by calling it a pot when it’s actually a Stove Bucket? Because that’s exactly what it is.

Tears — Not that this particular kid is overly dramatic or anything, but she calls her tears Wet Drops of Sad.

Coat Pockets — A 2-year-old little girl calls her coat pockets Snack Holes and this is what I shall forever call them.

Escalators — Escalator is sort of a clumsy word, so let’s go with one kid’s name — Robot Stairs.

Cactus — This one is much better — Poke Tree.

Garbage Disposal Switch — Yep. Gobble Button is way better.

Owls — Our last entry comes from a kid who saw an owl in the woods and called it a Forest Penguin. Perfecto.

So there you go, infinitely better words to describe stuff. Merriam Webster, you know what to do.

Dave Shoemaker is a retired teacher, athletic director and basketball coach with most of his professional years spent at Paint Valley. He also served as the national basketball coach for the island country of Montserrat in the British West Indies. He lives in Southern Ohio with his best friends and companions, his dogs Sweet Lilly and Hank. He can be reached at

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