The people of Facebook


O.K., I’m about to make some people angry, but please don’t take anything you’re about to read personally. You know, unless it applies to you directly. In that case totally take it personally. What I’m about to do is describe several types of Facebook people as I see them. Please understand that I realize I fit several of these descriptions myself, so hey, I ain’t mad at ya.

Without further ado, I give you my 18 Types of Facebook People:

The Workout Gods — God bless these people. They stay in shape, work out daily, and inform us all of every single minute of every single workout they complete. Dude, we don’t care how many minutes you spent on your glutes today, OK? Nor do we have to hear how many miles you ran or what 5K you completed. We get it. You’re in shape. We’re not. Don’t rub it in.

The Humblebraggers — Everyone knows what a humblebrag is, right? It occurs when folks pretend to be modest but are really telling everyone how wonderful they are. Here are a couple examples: “A family on our street is really struggling. I felt so badly I took their kids to lunch twice this week.” “A man was short on cash at the gas station today and everyone just stood in line staring at him, so I gave him $10. Come on people!” And the response is then 20 people telling the guy how amazing he is for taking the kids to lunch or giving the guy $10. See, Humblebragger, it’s like this: if you were really a good guy you’d do a good deed and not brag about it. Humblebraggers, man.

Note: Pretty sure I’ve humblebragged before.

The Fishermen — These are the guys that are constantly looking for online hookups, casting out lines and hoping for a response. They usually toss out stuff like this: “Well, a pretty girl like you will find somebody soon enough” or “Why is a beautiful girl like you so unhappy?” He’s hoping for a response, and at that point he zeroes in for the kill. Ladies, this is also the guy that “likes” everything you post. You have been warned.

The Campaigners — These are the people who are always asking for help, and they’re usually raising money for their son’s or daughter’s projects. It usually goes something like this: “Hey guys! Seth’s Traveling Soccer Tots Team is raising money for new uniforms! We need $27,892.17 so we can have the best uniforms in the tri–county area! Please help!”

Or maybe: “Hey Facebook friends! Erin’s Tumbling Team, the Fabulous Tumblebugs, are selling solar-powered ceiling fans to raise money for new mats. We need your help!” And so on and so forth.

The Ranter — Ah, The Ranter. The Ranter is entertaining and horrifying at the same time. Here’s a sample rant: “Listen punk, you know who you are and I’m about to get real all up in your business. You think you can mess with me? If you can’t say it to my face, blah-blah-blah….” You’ve read these posts before. Fun as hell to read. You feel as if you’re about to witness a homicide. On the other hand, 99.9% of these morons are hiding behind their computer screen and wouldn’t dare say it to the person’s face, so there’s that.

The Insomniac — You’ve all read this, posted at 3 a.m.: “Why am I still awake?” Or, “Anyone else up?” Uh, no, and why do you feel the need to tell us?

The Sickly and They Want You to Know It — These folks feel the need to tell us every detail of their medical problems: “I’m going in for my colonoscopy tomorrow! Wish me luck!” Listen, I don’t wanna hear about the pus-oozing boil on your left butt-cheek, alright? A simple “I have a medical problem, keep me in your prayers” will suffice. Thank you.

The Sickly and They Don’t Want to Spend Money on a Doctor — These people usually post something along these lines: “Anybody know what causes tiny, red, painful lumps in my groin area? It’s not for me, it’s for my Uncle Leonard.” Right.

The Excited Person — The excited person is very excited. They use a lot of exclamation points and all caps: “Going to King’s Island tomorrow!!! CAN’T WAIT!!! WOOT!!!” On a related note, I’m still not clear on what “woot” means.

The Recipe Posters — This seems to be a fairly recent occurrence, the recipes for Mom’s Mississippi Mudcake and whatnot. Not sure why, but they seem to dominate some people’s Facebook pages. Relatively harmless I suppose.

The Inspirational Quotes Poster — I put these people in the same category as the recipe posters. Every day we have a different inspirational quote such as, “I’m not the best but I’m trying my best” or “Sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep from crying.” Stuff like that. The ladies also seem to enjoy posting quotes that usually rip men in one way or another. Stuff like “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

The Perfect Family — These are the folks who are constantly telling us how wonderful their family is, always posting happy family photos ad nauseum. I admit I’m skeptical, but nobody’s family is that perfect. When I see these pictures I usually make a mental note to guess which kid is going to suffer from heroin addiction or go on a killing spree.

The “My Life is Better Than Yours” Posters — These Facebookers are the people who want to make sure we all know they have more money than you do, always posting pictures from their trip to the Dominican Republic or some other exotic location. Their Facebook cover photo is usually a shot of the beach in front of a Sandals Resort or maybe a pic of the happy couple ziplining through the rainforest or cuddling a spider monkey.

The “What the hell are they saying?” Posters — These are usually young people who write in textspeak that I can’t understand. It usually looks something like this: “I knw u wld rather spk 2 evr1 lk thiz n stead of rglr tlk cuz it mch ezr.” Huh? And is it just me or is it more difficult to type incorrectly than correctly? Prolly, rite? But maybe I’m being a h8ter. Woot!

The Lurker — The Lurker never comments, never “likes” anything, never posts a thing, but… they’re always there. You know who you are, Lurker.

The Shameless Self-Promoter — These are the arrogant jackasses with their own websites who use Facebook to shamelessly post links to their site, which is usually full of inane, mindless drivel. Wait. Never mind.

So there you have it. My 20 People of Facebook. I’m sorry if I offended anybody, but not really. As they say, if the shoe fits…

P.S — You know who my favorite Facebook people are? Those who post photos of their dogs.

Dave Shoemaker is a retired teacher, athletic director and basketball coach with most of his professional years spent at Paint Valley. He also served as the national basketball coach for the island country of Montserrat in the British West Indies. He lives in Southern Ohio with his best friends and companions, his dogs Sweet Lilly and Hank. He can be reached at

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