As many of you know, over the short 5-plus-year lifespan of Shoe: Untied I’ve managed to upset a few people. Some, like bowler mothers and midget short people, I felt badly about. Others, like Nazis and racists, not so much. LeBron? That was just sort of cool. Anyway, now I’ve gone and upset an eclipse lover. What can I say?

I’m sorry but I just couldn’t get excited about the moon passing in front of the sun. Just couldn’t. I mean, there were weather folks on TV actually crying as this was happening. That just blows my mind, man. Hey, I’ve looked at an active volcano before and was sort of in awe, but I didn’t cry. And I also never understood the applauding by people either. Were they applauding the moon? The sun? God? I’m befuddled.

Anyway, following is the message I received. My comments follow.

Sir:

Why all the hatred directed at Monday’s historic solar eclipse? Do you not understand the historical significance of the event? This was a rare, once in a lifetime happening for many human beings who witnessed it. To not show this eclipse the respect it deserves showed an abundance of ignorance on your part.

Sincerely,

Margo Maynes

Charlotte, N.C.

Hey, at least she was sincere I guess? That’s what she said there at the end. Anyway, Margo, I directed no hatred toward the eclipse because, you now, I can’t hate a phenomenon of nature. It’s generally a rule of thumb with me to never hate anything that’s not capable of hating me back. For instance, I can’t hate a spoon. Make sense?

Next, while I do agree it was a rare event, I’m not sure I understand the “historical significance” of it other than the fact that it doesn’t happen very often. To me it was one celestial body passing in front of another, nothing more or less. Sorry.

Finally, can you really respect an eclipse? I think not. That would be sort of like respecting a tree or a rock or something. Besides, it’s not like I was pointing at it and laughing or anything. I suppose you should respect a mountain when climbing it, but in that case you’d be respecting the dangers you faced climbing it rather than the mountain itself, right? Bottom line? No, I did not respect the eclipse. Sorry Margo. On a related note, I don’t respect meteors either.

To conclude, as a nod to Ms. Margo Maynes I shall now give you something I’ll call Eclipse Factoids. You’re welcome Margo…

In ancient China, people would bang drums and pots and shout to scare off the dragon that was eating the sun. Shockingly, it worked every single time.

In most ancient cultures, an eclipse signified the death of a god. That’s hardly ever good.

Aristotle observed that the Earth’s shadow has a circular shape as it moves across the moon. He posited that this must mean the Earth was round. You go Aristotle. You go.

In fifth-century B.C. Greece, the philosopher Anaxagoras sought to understand and describe eclipses — not as something eating the sun or the will of the gods but through an understanding of physics and the natural world. Today, he’s known as the first to correctly explain eclipses were just the sun casting the shadow of the moon on Earth. But the Athenians took him to trial, charged him with sacrilege, and he was sent into exile for the rest of his life. Damn that’s harsh, especially since he was, you know, right.

On May 29, 1919, Sir Arthur Eddington tested Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity during a total solar eclipse. Einstein had theorized that massive objects caused distortions in space and time. Eddington confirmed that starlight bent around the sun by measuring the position of certain stars relative to the eclipse. That’s pretty amazing, although I have no idea what it means.

On Oct. 22, 2134 B.C., in ancient China, it was the job of two royal astronomers named Hsi and Ho to predict the eclipse so that people could prepare bows and arrows to fend off the dragon eating the sun. However, they shirked their duties in order to get drunk and were beheaded by the emperor as a result. On a related note, beheading is one helluva hangover cure.

Hopefully this makes Ms. Maynes feel a little better, or perhaps not. Hey, I tried.

PS — That “abundance of ignorance” line hurt a little.

PPS — Not really.

Dave Shoemaker is a retired teacher, athletic director and basketball coach with most of his professional years spent at Paint Valley. He also served as the national basketball coach for the island country of Montserrat in the British West Indies. He lives in Southern Ohio with his best friends and companions, his dogs Sweet Lilly and Hank. He can be reached at https://shoeuntied.wordpress.com/.